I started tearing pages from a journal I've had for probably fifteen years now, sadly there was really nothing in it that gave me even a glimpse of who I was.

I never really paid attention to much, coasting through most of my youth, I know I was considered intelligent, however I was quite cruel as well.
I wasn't cruel in the common sense, I was just so very sarcastic it was hurtful to some, of course I didn't either care or pay attention at the time. If I were to meet myself back then it would be a safe bet I would beat the piss out of my teenage self. Not out of hate mind you, just a little motivational therapy.

I  don't think I was a "bad" person, I was just too busy drinking, partying, and chasing girls to really care about anything. Yeah girls are still my weakness, I am such a hopeless romantic, even now. They will probably be the death of me. Right now I feel differently than usual for one in particular. Strange this feeling, I can't really define it.

I seem to have bad luck with women, starting off wonderfully. Then slowly being taken advantage of and treated poorly. For the longest time I thought this was because I was too kind. I eventually decided to "try" to limit my kindness, even to drop my original code of Honor. I realize that this is a mistake. Luckily I only went on like this for a few weeks.
I understand now that it wasn't my codes, my kindness, I just wouldn't take my mind off the past. What I mean is that I would refuse to acknowledge change, their change, personal change we all go through over time. I would emotionally hold onto the original personality. I couldn't adapt to the new personality, since I was hung up on the old one. I would just simply think they were upset or stressed about something. I admit also I sometimes was afraid of losing them. Fear of loss I know really has no place in healthy relationship, usually I suppose it's just denial of the end. If you are truly connected, the thought of your significant other leaving, should probably not cross your mind, normally.
Sometimes I would catch myself over analyzing each and every situation, which only made things worse and caused more strain.

Now I find myself free from my past worries and stresses, though not my desire. I think I desire stronger than ever. At least this time it's pure, everything seems simple to me now. I see no reason to analyze, everything in the world for the first time in memory seems strangely natural, no longer surreal. I am sure when I was a child I felt "natural". Unfortunately I can't remember anymore.

I remember key people and important events, not much else sadly. Mostly I remember the people I hurt. I would have to say that up until my mid-twenties, I probably didn't bring anyone any real happiness. I tried I think, but I was too young, too selfish, too uncaring, and too defensive. I am pretty confident I truly hated myself back then, I would say things like :the past is the past", though I never really believed my words. Upon reflection I  would have to say I  don't think I even cared about myself. I just accepted everything as it was with a masked indifference.
I would offer advice, try to guide, try to help people with their problems. I just never cared to do anything to fix, or help myself. I was a self loathing hypocrite.

All this was along time ago of course, all in my past. Since then I have worked on myself, I ended up a good person overtime I think, although I still had my self hatred.

I now find myself in a state of revelation, an awakening of sorts. I  am unsure where it will lead me. I just know I have changed drastically over a very sort amount of time. Everything seems so new, I am seeing the world differently.
I feel a connection that never existed before. I feel like I am in touch with my inner self, only that I am still unfamiliar with it. Like a newly made friendship. It would be a terrible cliché to say I was reborn, no it's more like I was daydreaming most my life, I am just beginning to focus on reality again. I have realized the point to life, isn't survival, it's being deep within it, to see it in all it's complexity.